Sunday, April 16, 2006

the rumsfeld problem: check. and mate.

In a sudden shift in American foreign policy, Donald Rumsfeld was removed from his office after his fate was determined by President Bush. Mr. Bush's decision was the result of a game of chess between the two men, in which Mr Bush prevailed.

The idea of a chess competition to determine how the administration would deal with the Rumsfeld problem was put forward by the president, who had been taking chess lessons from Vice President Dick Cheney.

The failure of Rumsfeld's tenure as Secretary of Defense, which has resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocents, with many more to come, the ruination of American prestige around the world, the destruction of the world's foremost military, and the denial of global civil rights coupled with continued desperation and deprivation for many of the world's citizens, had become an irritant and potential liability to the administration.

The actual chess game took place at the secretary's office at the president's ranch complex in Crawford, Texas. The secretary's king was irredeemably lost during the president's use of the "Ruby Jack Gambit," in which a player, after backing himself into a seemingly untenable and indefensible situation, up-ends the board, scattering the chessmen across the floor.

UPDATE: There are now reports that Mr Rumsfeld has suffered a severe gunshot injury, perhaps to the shoulders, neck and face. He has been transferred to a medical facility and will be held there pending an investigation of the blood alcohol level of those present at the chess match, which is expected to begin in approximately 14 hours.

UPDATE 2: It has been confirmed that earlier reports of Donald Rumsfeld being removed from his office are literally true, and that he has been taken to hospital as the result of an extreme lapse of gun safety following a chess game with the president. The president has yet to have Karl Rove's determination about how to proceed, and until Mr Cheney wakes up, after having had a beer with lunch, the media is directed to ignore the story, and the NSA has been ordered to increase the surveillance on all Americans.


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